The Journey Inward

    On my 42nd birthday, I was sitting at a lake in NH contemplating suicide. I made peace with this idea and started the process of convincing myself that my children would be okay.

I know this is something we do not openly discuss and by all accounts, if you met me, you would probably never know that such an idea existed in my universe; but it did. Unfortunately, this ideation is something I have dealt with since age 12 and I am accustomed to such lows.

But this time was different. It felt real and something within my reach. I was alone on the shore while my children and family prepared my birthday dinner. Tears streamed down my face as I ran through different scenarios of how my family would fair and how my husband would be responsible for raising our four children.

Surface conversation is not my thing and if this topic has caused you dis-ease, please know it's not my intention, but if I continue to live on the surface by pretending I have my shit together, I am afraid I will continue to live in quiet desperation. I feel that if I don't share the topics that truly matter, this groan within my soul will turn into an uncontrollable wail and I will shatter under overwhelm.

As usual, I got my head back in the game and dismissed the soulful ache within because honestly, I didn't have time to fall apart. The backpack of responsibility I carried with me meant that whatever I was feeling was comparatively insignificant in relation to my children, husband, and job. There was no way I could drop one more task or person because everyone expected me to carry on regardless of the obvious nuances manifesting.

I dried my eyes and walked thankfully to my birthday dinner so I could celebrate with those who have loved me the most. I never shared my experience, thoughts, and near plan of how I would die . . . I continued on as if I was the same woman they always expected me to be.

Omgosh, let me tell you that my story improves! I am starting here because of its significance. I had been drowning, didn't know I was, and am ready to share insight into how we can save ourselves from despair. More importantly, I want to share with you how we can love ourselves more and reside without fear of being crushed by pressure.